on motherhood and writing
Dec. 10th, 2008 08:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
albionidahoI get a lot of questions about rearing kids and writing as much as I do, and how I'm as productive as I am. It was also something that both Mary Rosenblum and Connie Willis discussed with me at Clarion West. I was the only young mother there (the mother of a six-year-old and a three-year-old), and they knew the societal, familial, and personal expectations for me were and are huge.
Mary and Connie talked about how having a supportive spouse is important, and not everyone has that. There are really no answers for how to deal with that -- every relationship is as complicated and as unique as the people that are in it. But it is something that every writer has to deal with (can and will and does the person I'm with understand why I spend all this time doing what I do?) can they deal with this?), and it's particularly an issue to deal with when one is a wife and mother. Despite the evolution of our culture and the role of women within it, there are a lot of attitudes and expectations that have not changed. Particularly in Idaho.
Connie told me something I already knew, but it was important for me to hear this from her. She said that if I was going to be a writer then there needed to be balance and I needed to use my obsession appropriately. By our nature, writers are obsessive people, but if used well it's a gift, not a flaw. I needed to know that I would not have the cleanest house, make gourmet meals every night, nor make the best cupcakes for the school bake sale. I would have copy editing deadlines that family and friends wouldn't understand, I would have writing to do and people who would expect me to go have lunch with them instead. I would have to protect my writing time, and myself, while still being a mother to my children in the best way I knew how.
And so people wonder, how do I get any writing done?
The most important things are to be dedicated to one's children and one's craft, to be flexible with one's life, and to find that personal balance between writing and mothering. This is what I wrote to my friend when she asked how I did it before I left for Seattle. And I still believe this is true. For me.
I use my laptop as a multipurpose tool. I write on it and watch insane YouTube videos friends link me on it, I use it for e-mail, chat, and research, but I also use it to log information, keep track of what I need to do with my day, what information I need to retain, what recipes I want to hunt down, when Avadore's school project is due, and it also plays music. I use it in the kitchen, the living room, my "office". I do not, however, chat on it while at the dinner table with my family. =) There are some places my fabulous tool does not go.
Throughout the day, a chat program is usually on (I have dear friends and family that use that primarily to keep in touch with me, and sometimes they really need me) as is my word processing program. I have hunks of time in the day when I write. These occur when the kids are playing with themselves, alone, or with friends, or are napping. But I also keep the program open because there are brief moments during the day when I can get a sentence in, or can record the conversation my characters had in my head while my hands did the dishes.
I'm very good at multi-tasking. I can write a little bit, chat for a few lines, and do some laundry while holding a sleeping child on my lap. This is, however, getting more difficult as Fox is no longer as light as he used to be. To really focus and get somewhere huge accomplished, being sequestered from the rest of the household helps, but I'm a mother who stays at home with her children, and these moments where no one will need me for hours on end are practically nonexistent. For now.
My ideal space is to work in the living room at a desk I have in there or at the kitchen table. My children are by me, coloring, playing, or dancing around. Every so often I'll color, play, or dance around with them. Then they'll go off to their room, and I'll go back to my story.
But this is when I'm working, and I'm not always working. There are times for my family that is theirs. Daily periods when the kids and I have adventures, or read, or explore, or talk. These don't occur during a set time necessarily, but happen when there's something to see, or we need to get out, or we need some time. We're not heavily scheduled by design, our lives aren't regimented. I'll say, "Let's go look at the leaves," and we'll go. Or National Geographic will have come in the mail that day and we'll sit down and look at it. Or we'll need to dance, so we turn the music up and throw ourselves around the living room. Or Avadore will have questions he's formulated that day, and then it's time to talk. Or they'll be construction down the road and trucks that need to be watched. It's flexible, it's easygoing. It's how I function best.
Now, this isn't to say that we don't have routines and schedules. The kids have regular bedtime and rising time. They have regular eating schedules (which usually goes all day long ;).) The kids know when it will be time to clean up. You know, that sort of thing. But we play, read, and love however it works for us at that particular time.
This sort of set up works for me, partially because it's how I got through grad school where I had to write about 100 pages a week and read and process 1000. It was done bit by bit. It's also about thinking about time and managing it the best way I can while maintaining a flexible, reflective, easygoing lifestyle. I found a way that worked for me, and it still does, so it's still how I work. But I know it won't work for everyone. I know some people who write at night after everyone is in bed, or those who get up at five in the morning to work. I really enjoy working at night when everyone is asleep, but I'm a slow writer, and wouldn't get as much done that way.
Finally, it's about choices. There are a lot of things I don't spend my time on right now because if I'm to mother and write and do all these other things something will have to give. This is part of the reason why I don't currently work on music much. I have, in the past, played several instruments, my favorites being the piano and guitar, and I also sang, once upon a time. I once was heavily involved with theater. I used to be an artist, winning awards for my work. I crochet, I knit. I love to cook and garden and read. I love movies. I love hiking and exploring places I wouldn't take my children until they're older. I love experiencing new things, pushing myself to the edge, feeling myself get carried away physically by whatever I'm challenging myself with. I love to meet people, be with people. I love to learn new things. I love to travel. I love to do research. I have studied four languages, other than English. But there isn't time to do all this now, so I make choices as to how to spend my time. The piano and guitar will be there when the kids are older. So will the yarn, and the theater, and the hiking trails and biking trails. I do some of these things occasionally, but I don't pursue them as much as I'd like. Mostly, I mother, I write, I read a bit (not as voraciously as I used to -- my permanent companions were books for so many years), and I love the people who are important to me. And I blog. Because blogging helps me process my life, and it's a record of who I am now. And someday, someone will care. I already have cared about who I was in the past, and my progeny may want to know who I was, as well.
I'm anthropologist. We keep records. Anthropologists are those who write things down at the end of the day.
Mary and Connie talked about how having a supportive spouse is important, and not everyone has that. There are really no answers for how to deal with that -- every relationship is as complicated and as unique as the people that are in it. But it is something that every writer has to deal with (can and will and does the person I'm with understand why I spend all this time doing what I do?) can they deal with this?), and it's particularly an issue to deal with when one is a wife and mother. Despite the evolution of our culture and the role of women within it, there are a lot of attitudes and expectations that have not changed. Particularly in Idaho.
Connie told me something I already knew, but it was important for me to hear this from her. She said that if I was going to be a writer then there needed to be balance and I needed to use my obsession appropriately. By our nature, writers are obsessive people, but if used well it's a gift, not a flaw. I needed to know that I would not have the cleanest house, make gourmet meals every night, nor make the best cupcakes for the school bake sale. I would have copy editing deadlines that family and friends wouldn't understand, I would have writing to do and people who would expect me to go have lunch with them instead. I would have to protect my writing time, and myself, while still being a mother to my children in the best way I knew how.
And so people wonder, how do I get any writing done?
The most important things are to be dedicated to one's children and one's craft, to be flexible with one's life, and to find that personal balance between writing and mothering. This is what I wrote to my friend when she asked how I did it before I left for Seattle. And I still believe this is true. For me.
I use my laptop as a multipurpose tool. I write on it and watch insane YouTube videos friends link me on it, I use it for e-mail, chat, and research, but I also use it to log information, keep track of what I need to do with my day, what information I need to retain, what recipes I want to hunt down, when Avadore's school project is due, and it also plays music. I use it in the kitchen, the living room, my "office". I do not, however, chat on it while at the dinner table with my family. =) There are some places my fabulous tool does not go.
Throughout the day, a chat program is usually on (I have dear friends and family that use that primarily to keep in touch with me, and sometimes they really need me) as is my word processing program. I have hunks of time in the day when I write. These occur when the kids are playing with themselves, alone, or with friends, or are napping. But I also keep the program open because there are brief moments during the day when I can get a sentence in, or can record the conversation my characters had in my head while my hands did the dishes.
I'm very good at multi-tasking. I can write a little bit, chat for a few lines, and do some laundry while holding a sleeping child on my lap. This is, however, getting more difficult as Fox is no longer as light as he used to be. To really focus and get somewhere huge accomplished, being sequestered from the rest of the household helps, but I'm a mother who stays at home with her children, and these moments where no one will need me for hours on end are practically nonexistent. For now.
My ideal space is to work in the living room at a desk I have in there or at the kitchen table. My children are by me, coloring, playing, or dancing around. Every so often I'll color, play, or dance around with them. Then they'll go off to their room, and I'll go back to my story.
But this is when I'm working, and I'm not always working. There are times for my family that is theirs. Daily periods when the kids and I have adventures, or read, or explore, or talk. These don't occur during a set time necessarily, but happen when there's something to see, or we need to get out, or we need some time. We're not heavily scheduled by design, our lives aren't regimented. I'll say, "Let's go look at the leaves," and we'll go. Or National Geographic will have come in the mail that day and we'll sit down and look at it. Or we'll need to dance, so we turn the music up and throw ourselves around the living room. Or Avadore will have questions he's formulated that day, and then it's time to talk. Or they'll be construction down the road and trucks that need to be watched. It's flexible, it's easygoing. It's how I function best.
Now, this isn't to say that we don't have routines and schedules. The kids have regular bedtime and rising time. They have regular eating schedules (which usually goes all day long ;).) The kids know when it will be time to clean up. You know, that sort of thing. But we play, read, and love however it works for us at that particular time.
This sort of set up works for me, partially because it's how I got through grad school where I had to write about 100 pages a week and read and process 1000. It was done bit by bit. It's also about thinking about time and managing it the best way I can while maintaining a flexible, reflective, easygoing lifestyle. I found a way that worked for me, and it still does, so it's still how I work. But I know it won't work for everyone. I know some people who write at night after everyone is in bed, or those who get up at five in the morning to work. I really enjoy working at night when everyone is asleep, but I'm a slow writer, and wouldn't get as much done that way.
Finally, it's about choices. There are a lot of things I don't spend my time on right now because if I'm to mother and write and do all these other things something will have to give. This is part of the reason why I don't currently work on music much. I have, in the past, played several instruments, my favorites being the piano and guitar, and I also sang, once upon a time. I once was heavily involved with theater. I used to be an artist, winning awards for my work. I crochet, I knit. I love to cook and garden and read. I love movies. I love hiking and exploring places I wouldn't take my children until they're older. I love experiencing new things, pushing myself to the edge, feeling myself get carried away physically by whatever I'm challenging myself with. I love to meet people, be with people. I love to learn new things. I love to travel. I love to do research. I have studied four languages, other than English. But there isn't time to do all this now, so I make choices as to how to spend my time. The piano and guitar will be there when the kids are older. So will the yarn, and the theater, and the hiking trails and biking trails. I do some of these things occasionally, but I don't pursue them as much as I'd like. Mostly, I mother, I write, I read a bit (not as voraciously as I used to -- my permanent companions were books for so many years), and I love the people who are important to me. And I blog. Because blogging helps me process my life, and it's a record of who I am now. And someday, someone will care. I already have cared about who I was in the past, and my progeny may want to know who I was, as well.
I'm anthropologist. We keep records. Anthropologists are those who write things down at the end of the day.
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no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 04:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 06:39 am (UTC)I can't write when the kids are around, mostly because since I only have them 2-3 days a week, when they are here they demand my undivided attention. (And let's face it, I'm just as desperate to give it to them.) This is why I never tried to write on weekends, but just this morning I was realizing that now I only have them every other weekend, so maybe I can try carving out some writing time on the weekend I don't have them. (On the other hand, that's when I have to fit all my errands in, too, so it may not work. But it's worth thinking about.)
My writing time is on the bus, and at lunch. That gives me 20 minutes in the morning (for new writing), 15-30 at noon (for new writing) and 20 minutes in the evening (for editing). Which is why I write about 250 words a day. On the other hand, I can now squeeze worthwhile writing out if given 5 free minutes, which wasn't always true.
I'm already dreading the fact that in Michigan I will have a car commute.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 04:53 pm (UTC)You'll figure it out in Michigan, too =). It's always a process for me to figure out as well as the kids age. What worked for me when they were babies doesn't work now :).
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 07:28 am (UTC)It's good to know that other women are managing both writing and motherhood together.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-11 04:53 pm (UTC)I'm going to write a little more about it.
But you can do it! And it will be fantastic! Motherhood and writing are two of the best choices I ever made.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-12 06:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-12 07:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 08:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 02:38 pm (UTC)He said that you recently had a great discussion of creativity and dreaming ;).
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 05:49 pm (UTC)Great to finally link up with you on LJ!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 05:51 pm (UTC)It sounds like you do have the best conversations ;).
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 05:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 06:03 pm (UTC)I wish I could see more of this evil genius synergy in person =).
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 06:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 06:22 pm (UTC)